Dating A Widower Who 'Almost' Loves You | HuffPost
Dating a man who is grieving the loss of his wife or who has not moved past his late wife is no easy task. By choice or by chance -- you have found yourself dating a man who is grieving the What do you need to know as the partner of a widower?. And whether by chance or by choice you do find yourself dating a widower, . Many advice articles for women regarding widowed men seem to focus on the.
We caught up with Abel Keogh, author of Dating a Widowerto seek advice for those returning to the dating world and to hear about his own personal experiences as a widow. Why did you start writing about dating for widowers? What I was writing about apparently resonated with readers because I started getting emails from women who were searching for advice about the widowers they were dating.
I put my personal experience and recurring issues I saw in the emails into my first book, Dating a Widower.
Dating A Widower Who 'Almost' Loves You
When I first started dating I was looking for someone who was similar to my late wife both in looks and interests. Once I did, the dates went better and it was easier to open my heart to those who were very different.
They view the loss of their spouse as a problem that needs to be fixed and see dating and relationships as the best way to mend their broken hearts. Most get their lives and hearts in order before testing the dating waters.
They tend to experience similar issues and emotions and make the same mistakes.
I was widowed in my 20s and I see widowers in their 30s, 40s, 50s and older making the same mistakes I did. That is, we just start dating because we want companionship, not a relationship. I went on my first date about four months after my late wife died. We went out to lunch and the entire time I felt like I was cheating on her.
10 dating tips for widows and widowers
Those thoughts and feelings were less on the second date and almost gone by the third time I went out. After a couple of months of dating they went away entirely.
Pure grief is not the only reason a widower won't commit. Sometimes it's guilt -- a feeling of being unfaithful to a lost partner.
Sometimes families oppose new ties -- adult children fearing that a new woman will undermine the sanctity of their parents' long marriage. A widower may have to choose between his new romantic interest and offspring who can't get past idealizing their mother.
It's not uncommon for widowers to measure a potential partner against a romanticized version of the woman they've lost. Psychoanalyst Darian Leader calls this the Rebecca Syndrome, a reference to the Daphne du Maurier novel in which the heroine is terribly haunted by the ghost of her husband's late wife.
Leaderthe power of what has gone before will infuse even the most contented new partnerships. Social scientists have found that men look to reconnect because they want what they had before, what they're used to. New York Times writer Elizabeth Olson notes just one man's unapologetic reason to want a new wife -- he's overwhelmed by household chores, and he can't find things around the house. As the companion of a widower, you may suspect that you're valued mostly for your listening abilities and household organization skills.
It's true that a widower's grateful response to your sympathy doesn't always mean he's eager to make you his full partner in love. But the man who is ready to move on will signal when he wants a relationship that goes beyond appreciation of a tidy house and a listening ear.
How to Date a Widowed Man
That signal comes only in the presence of patience, warmth, sympathy, physical responsiveness, and a disinclination to point out how damn long you've been waiting. You and your widower will never be the couple that exchanges memory-laden glances at a son's graduation.
The two of you will never experience the mutuality of joy felt by parents at the wedding of their daughter.